Do you think we have too many lawyers in America? Well, in my view one is too many. I’m sorry if you are a lawyer, but unless you are one of those three lawyers in the country dedicated to helping the downtrodden and you aren’t rich, I stand by my statement. Here are some numbers for ya to chew on. How many lawyers are there? The American Bar Association has a pdf file that breaks down the number of lawyers by state for 2003 and 2004. You need Adobe reader, which you can get for free here. And the link to that data is right here.

Bottom line? Over one million lawyers in America! Holy crap! All of them suing the crap out of someone as we speak. What do these people earn in income? Here is a chart that reveals that. The lowest is about $59,000 and it can go to $80K or over $100,000 depending on the size of the firm. And that is the first year out of law school! I repeat – holy crap!

Here is a list of the top law firms and their gross take. Yikes.

What we need is tort reform. “Tort” What the hell is that? The sound a turtle makes when it farts? Whatever, here is a link to the America Tort Reform Association.

My take on this? Limit the number of lawyers able to practice law in a state to a certain percentage of the population. Another suggestion I have is to change the law so that when a scumbag attorney gets someone to sue on the basis off “You only pay if we win” , they actually can be required to pay for court costs and other lawyer fees if they lose. Both the law firm and the party split the cost. That way, there is some risk associated with filing stupid lawsuits.

Speaking of stupid law suits, her are some real lawsuits taken from the ATRA website.

Woman Sues Over Eating Ban on Buses

Jamila Glauber filed a lawsuit against the transit system in Juneau, Alaska, because a driver’s attempt to enforce the well-known no-eating rule on a bus caused her, she says, at least $50,000 worth of emotional distress; she was trying to eat a Snickers bar.

Couple sue airline over legroom

The Chicago Sun- Times reports May 14, 2004 that a Cook County, Illinois, couple is suing American Airlines because they didn’t have enough leg room and subsequently were cramped aboard a flight to Paris.

They are seeking more than $100,000.

No Tape for Those Packages

The post office in Fulton, Missouri, removed a tape dispenser that had long been available for customers for sealing packages because a customer who had hurt himself using it had filed a claim against the U.S. Postal Service.
>>> How the hell do you hurt yourself with a tape dispenser??????

And this one really takes the cake:

TOP TRIAL LAWYER SUES FORMER CLIENT FOR 18 MILLION DOLLARS FOR FILLING A STATE BAR COMPLAINT!!

Two of the wealthiest, most prominent, most politically connected Trial lawyers in the history of American Jurisprudence filed an 18 million dollar lawsuit against a former client merely for filing a State Bar complaint. The 4th appellate and 2nd appellate districts found the suit to be an “illegal” SLAPPsuit (Stragetic Lawsuit Against Public Participation) filed solely to “punish” her for filing a State Bar complaint. California law prohibits the filing of retaliatory lawsuits for the filing of State Bar complaints. Moreover, the Court of Appeals found that the action was not a “valid” exercise of their constitutional rights since it did not seek to vindicate a legally cognizable right, but merely to “punish.” The trial lawyers have now appealed to the California Supreme Court!!!!!!!! Having lost all assets defending against this SLAPPsuit spanning nearly a decade, the client is setting up a client trust fund and can be reached at twoterryz@earthlink.net .

Which brings me to lawyer jokes:

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, “I’m sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won’t be able to look into this for at least a month.” He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?” “Nothing,” replied the young man. “I’m just here to hook up your phone.”

A blind bunny and a blind snake were born at the same time, and grew up together, becoming the best of friends. Neither one knew what kind of creature the other one was, and one day decided to touch each other and describe the sensations. The snake went first – “You’re all furry, have two ears and a fluffy little tail.” The bunny was overjoyed, shouting, “I’m a bunny, I’m a bunny!” Then the bunny felt the snake – “You’ve got slimy skin, beady eyes and a forked tongue.” The snake moaned, “Oh, no, I must be a lawyer…”

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

(At this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”