To me, even more important than the invention of duct tape or condoms, is the invention in 1955 of Velcro! Which of course, as everyone knows, is actually just the name of the company that manufactures the “hook and loop fasteners”. There is no Velcro. Yeah, someone in their marketing dept is smoking something, know what I mean Vern? Everyone knows Velcro is Velcro, just as well as we all know a Kleenex is a Kleenex, and not a “tissue.” Who the hell says “Hey Larry, hand me some of that there Hook and Fastener crap so I can hook and fasten my side mirror back onto the driver’s side of my Ford truck, hear?” Yeah, right. The man wants Velcro dude.

I can’t imagine life without Velcro. I use Velcro even more than Duct Tape, and if you call up my wife right this minute and ask her she’ll tell you I go through Duct Tape like John Kerry goes through hair spray (or Purple Hearts).

I Velcro pens to the side of my computer, to my dashboard in my truck. I Velcro my photo card reader to the top of my monitor. Ya got to understand, I got more USB cords spewing from my computer than a Persian cat has hairballs. I just Velcro those suckers down. My blue tooth device, my external hard drive, all Velcro! I use Velcro on my two-way radios, and if I could, I would use Velcro on the chairs of my employees to keep them in their seats all day.

I worship Velcro. I have Velcro dots. Velcro tape. Velcro squares. Velcro in all sizes, shapes and designs.

Just the sound of Velcro turns me on, lemme tell ya. Scccrrratchchhhs open, snap close.

Hook and fastener my ass.

And where did Velcro come from? God of course! (Same place Coffee comes from). But he gave it to some guy in 1955 who was walking his dog. Go here and read all about it.

Velcro. Proof that there is a God. (That and the return of the min-skirt…)