Dateline: August 2012 

Authorities in Aruba announced that they have arrested the entire population of the country in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway seven years ago in 2005.

“We’ve sent out an announcement on local television and radio demanding that everyone show up in alphabetical order at the main police station.” Reported the Police Chief.  “A through C should turn themselves in on Thursday, D through H on Friday, and so forth. We expect by the end of the month to have the entire population of Aruba in jail.”

When asked why he was taking such drastic actions, especially considering that they have already arrested and released 40% of the population during the last seven years, he responded,

“Because we are serious about solving this crime. This is Aruba, and we aren’t just waddling about in cut off shorts with fruity alcoholic drinks with umbrellas sticking out of them! We are committed to solving this crime at the earliest possible time frame.”

It was also learned today that the Aruba authorities were bringing in the Dutch Marines again, and planned to bull doze the entire island, pushing all homes and office buildings into the ocean, and then raking the entire island clean. They expect the complete search to be concluded by 2014.

Additionally, they have requested the assistance of 40 Dutch investigators. This team will arrive in the next few days and their goal is to contact via phone every telephone psychic in the United States regarding the missing woman.

“This just shows how serious we are about solving this!” Reported the Police Chief.

When asked what would occur if these measures do not produce results, the Police Chief stated, “Then we have no recourse but to take extreme measures.”

When asked what that mean, he slurped on his fruity alcoholic drink and waddled off down the beach.

I’m watching this very long and not very funny commercial about how the air comes in and then it is electrified, magnetized, hypnotized and castrated. All the evil particles, be it dust, dirt, pollen, stray butterflies or small chirping birds are then stuck to the filter. Clean, sparking air molecules come out the other side dancing and singing the Sound of Music.

So I’m thinking. Hmmmm….if this thing works so good, why not build a really tall one? Say 22 stories? And put them in every city, right next to the bank and stinking thieving insurance company buildings? This could be the cure to our air pollution, folks! Yeah, we build a few hundred of these and before you know it, the air will be clean as a whistle. Which reminds me, if you’ve ever picked up a whistle and looked inside, well, just don’t, OK. Just don’t do that. Yuckamucky. All that spit and dust and….eeeeuuuuulll

Anyway, so there you have it! Some Cranky Guy’s solution to the world’s air pollution problem! 22 story Ionic Breeze air purifiers for every city!
Yes, yes, I’ll accept the Nobel Peace Prize, go right ahead.

Peace out people.

SCG