Subscribe RSS FeedWhen I was a kid, damn, I hate starting stories like that. Means I’m an old fart now. Crap. Oh well, nothing I can do about reality I guess. When I was a kid, you could buy a bicycle air pump that actually pushed air into bike tires easily and almost effortlessly. Yes, this is true! Any old bike pump would easily pump up a bike tire!
These days, there appear to be two types of bike pumps. Those that are such pieces of crap that they only come in the color brown and are so bad even the Chinese peasants working in the sweatshops won’t make them. Then, there are the expensive well built quality tire pumps, which, if you hired seventeen MIT grads, five verified rocket scientists, Ralph Nader and tossed in one girl scout and her 17,000 boxes of thin mints you might, just might be able to get the freaking &%&(&&%^%$_ thing to work!
I bought the bicycle pump from hell. A Schwinn airdriver 1100. They call it the airdriver, because after you dedicate the better part of an afternoon foolishly attempting to get air into a bike tire, you wave the thing in the air over your head and drive it about three feet into the ground.
You don’t need instructions with this satanic piece of metal, you need a friggin priest!
This thing is designed for any air driving task, from the tires on the Space Shuttle Atlantis to those on Clinton’s ego. From complicated gay French cycles to George Bush’s hollow head. But regular bicycle tires? Ha! Not a chance in the world of figuring that out.
After struggling to put air in my bike’s tires and then losing it and rolling around on the patio and banging into lawn chairs, scaring the cats and punching the barbecue three times, with my head, my wife forced me to come inside and leave the evil stick locked on the patio. I see it now, leaning against the upside down patio table, glaring at me. Snickering. Evil bastard stick from hell!
I turned to my best friend, the internet, to find instructions. There aren’t any. I did find one of those bicycle freak websites where there was a forum, and about 130 posts from other people who couldn’t figure out how the damn Schwinn airdriver 1100 worked. Several of those members are raving Clinton supporters now,
and a dozen or so checked themselves into a rehab clinic. There are 12 step airdriver 1100 support groups.
The last time I joined a 12 step group it was for anger management. I flunked when after a long complicated discussion with the instructor he tried to toss a chair at me and ran full speed into a vending machine. I never did get a certificate of completion.
So, while the Schwinn airdriver 1100 is chuckling at me from the patio, what it doesn’t know is that my wife goes to work early tomorrow. It’s her early shift day, 7 AM. I’ll be here. Alone. With the airdriver 1100. And my 9mm. Or, maybe my knife. No, wait, the solid steel hammer, or maybe the electric drill! Ohhhhh….I can’t wait for dawn………..
SCG
Just some guy with a blog; posting photos, fiction, tech articles along with some humor and sarcasm. Enjoy!
god i feel like giving this peice of crap an ass wooping with my dads ax,i know im 11 years old but i could say what the hell i want about this peice of crap
ohh and SCG thanx for the funny story about the peice of CRAAAAAppp from hhheeelll
crrrrraaapppppp ccccccrrrraaaaapppppppppp CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP CCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP PPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCEE OOOOOOOOOOFFFF CCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPP FFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROPMMMMMMMMM HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
crapy crap crapppp rrriiiggghhttt scg rrrrrrriiigghhhhtttt1
heeheehee fffuuunny
I just destroyed mine. It felt good. Every few months I would go back to it and try to inflate a ball or tire or whatever. I always would end up irritated, and put the pump back on the shelf. Today, I stood up for myself and smashed the arrogant little SOB. I feel good. Off to buy a new pump. Schwinn will not get my money again… ahhh I feel better.
I CAME HERE FOR INSTRUCTIONSSS ARGHH!!! this thing is a piece of crapp!! thanks for the funny story though
Thanks for stopping by Michie.
it took a idiot to make the first one and a stupid company for selling this piece of pump crap. i know they must be rag heads trying to drive us all crazy, cause theyve tried bumbing us and that didnt work we keep comming back for more.think ill fill mine with scheet out of the comode and send it back so they can see how it stinks. lol
I figrued it out!!!! This pump is made for something called a Presta Valve! You unscrew the valve, put the pump on it. Then you pull that little handle up and pump away. This is not for normal bikes. Check it out on youtube! Damn bastards. lol
Thanks Adam. What the heck is a Presta Valve? Not for normal bikes? Well, that makes sense. LOL
Thanks for stopping by….
Presta Valve is French I believe. They put them on high end bikes here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wreZho5I2E4
Wow…. I feel at rest now… knowing that I am only one of MANY who feel exactly that same way! I noticed that Schwinn doesn’t even have pumps listed on their website anymore… hmm….wonder why!
I’ve had this dang thing sitting around my house for my kids bikes (which still have flat tires) after getting a cheap pump and having it fall appart before we even got it to work. Finally after doing some cleaning I decided it was time to sink or swim. I’d get it to work or to the dump it would go. Came on-line only to find out it’s a joke. All this thing is designed to do it bring out the Hulk in all of us. I think I feel some green coming on now just thinking about the dang thing!..I must breath now…. *sigh*….
Perhaps I can g-sell it to some other unsuspecting victim… Muah ha ha haaaaaa >:)
I thought I was a complete idiot not knowing how to work a bike pump – so glad to hear its not me! The only thing I found out this pump can do is pump up balls. Going out to buy another new pump – hopefully this next one will work better.
Crista and April – welcome to our club!
This thing is truly the pump from hell… I thought I had it working a year or so ago, but come today, I feel like I’m missing the key part to actually put air into the tires… I do have the Presta valve adapter but nothing to clamp onto it.
I quit
Yep, it is one unusual tire pump!
Thanks for stopping by.
I guess I am the exception that proves the rule!!!
I brought the pump home attached it to the valve stem on the bike and easily pumped it to the correct pressure. One thing, I had to push pretty hard to seat the nozzle onto the valve stem.
Welcome Ken. Glad for you! You must have obtained a “defective” pump that actually worked!
Kelly said:
July 5, 2009 at 10:21 pm
“Ok guys, I figured this thing out. My problem was I had taken it apart just like the other Kelley that posted here. There are 3 basic pieces you need to worry about. First the top plastic outer ring, second the large interior washer with two different sized holes at each end, third the plastic piece that is at the bottom of that. For a Schrader valve, you need to put the plastic piece larger end down, the thick rubber washer larger hole up, and screw the other plastic piece on. That works, on my bike it is perfect on the front tire, but my rear tire the valve stem it too close to the spoke, so I had to jam it on there and not close the silver handle. Worked fine. For a Presto valve, ignore the gold piece, unscrew the top plastic piece again, remove the washer, remove the plastic piece with flip it around, putting the narrow end in first, flip the washer putting the wider hole in first, rescrew on the outer plastic piece. While I don’t have any Presto valves to try this out on, I read this from a guy named Dave on another website. Good luck. If a blonde can figure it out, you guys should be able to!”
SHE SPEAKS THE TRUTH!!!
I write this July 4th weekend, 2010. I had to fix my FOURTH FLAT TIRE in as many weeks today. I had been taking the bike to the shop, but they were closed, so it was DYI time. Bought tube, no problem. Installed same, no problem. But that damned pump…I was ready to go on a tri-state killing spree until I found Kelly’s post. If you do what she says to do, and push down really hard, it will work. I wish I had learned this five hours ago…
My husband is an engineer and can figure most tricky things out. After many attempts he got out our old standby and it worked. I’m going to try to take this back to Target!
you people are @#%!@ stupid. Loosen the circular adjustment flange a little bit and it will work 100% of the time. It’s at the end of the pump hose where it attaches to the tire stem.
My Airdriver 1100 is a POS for another reason … the tube from the base of the unit up to the gauge broke, and I’ve gotten no reply from my Schwinn support emails.
Maybe I’ll feel better about it if I set the d*mn thing on fire or something…
Wow! You are all guys but I guess it takes a woman to figure stuff out! I just bought this and I aired up a completely flat riding lawn mower tire in like 2 minutes or less! I think you guys need to learn how to use attachments! Ask your wives/girlfriends to help you…LOL!