More Heavenly Fiction

I thought that I posted this short story last year, but I can’t find it, so maybe I didn’t, or maybe it fell off or something. Anyway, I brushed it off and spruced it up a bit, and here is another in my series of Heavenly Fiction.

I hope someone gets a kick out of it.

SCG

The Real Garden of Eden Story

by Some Cranky Guy

Sometimes I like to daydream about God’s workshop and the employees that were creating the bodies for us to inhabit. This is of course, well before the earth, the sun or Gerardo Rivera were created.

Picture a beautiful garden, with trees, flowering bushes and plants, a crisp deep blue sky and a quiet stream babbling through the middle. And a huge conference table smack dab in the center, with a bunch of Angels gathered about, and God at the head of the table.

“OK, how’s it going?” God asks with a voice like thunder. (What, you expected Woody Allen?)

“We’ve had some serious setbacks.” The Chief Engineering Angel reports. “In fact, we are way over budget and are going to miss the deadline.’

God’s thick caterpillar eyebrows bunch together. In fact, they were bushy caterpillars. God has a warped sense of humor sometimes.

‘Say what?”. He booms out across the conference table. The Design Team winced. Mostly from God’s saliva. When you are The God, the One and Only, and you boom your voice out across the heavens, a substantial amount of Holy Spit is involved. Can’t be helped.

“You see”, pipes up the nerdy faced angel with the thick eyeglasses. “Since you won’t allow us to give them more than a 1 watt brain, well, we had to automate most of the bodily functions.”.

“Go on.”. God rumbled.

“Breathing for one. The first prototype lasted about 180 seconds, and then dropped dead. Never took a breath. So, we had to design the body to do that automatically, as well as a number of other basic functions.”.

“What else”. Asked God.

“We had to invent hunger.”. Said the Chief Engineer.

“Hunger?”.

“Yeah. and thirst. The second prototype lasted about three days than dropped dead. Never ate or drank anything. So, we invented thirst and hunger to urge them to eat and drink.”.

“Yes, well, that wasn’t all!”. Shouted the nerdy angel with the thick glasses again. “We gave them thirst and hunger, but the third prototype ate rocks and sticks and weasel shit. He died the next day.”.

God looked toward the sky, drumming his fingertips on the table. “So, what did you do then?”.

“Ah, that was my idea!”. Chirped up a tall skinny Angel. “Taste buds! I invented taste buds!”.

“What the hell are taste buds?”. God asked, growing impatient.

The Chief Engineering Angel shushed the skinny Angel and reported. “On their tongue, we invented and placed millions of sensors that are wired to the brain. And we programmed them to send negative data to the brain if they ate weasel shit or rocks, and positive data if they ate peaches or strawberries.”.

“So, the hunger made them eat, and taste buds made them not eat weasel shit?”. God asked.

“Precisely!”. Shouted the nerdy angel and the skinny angel in unison.

God opened a file folder and flicked through a few pages. “You are 97% over the estimated budget!”.

“No Sir.”. Replied the Chief Engineering Angel.

God raised his eyes above the report. The caterpillars crawled down into his left ear. Immediately, real eyebrows grew in their place.

“Explain.”. He ordered.

“Well, Sir, we are actually a tad more overspent than that report indicates…”.

The puffy white clouds that were floating in the blue sky froze, then zipped to the nearest horizon.

“What?!”. God boomed. Trees uprooted themselves, gathered their roots up and scampered over the hills like women running with their skirts in their hands..

“Well, you see Sir, I mean, well . . . sex.”.

“Say what?”.

“We had to invent sex.”.

“What in My Name, is sex???”. God asked.

“The humans wouldn’t procreate!”. Snickered the nerdy angel. “In fact, the male and female ones didn’t even want anything to do with each other. After a while, they grew old and died, and we had an empty garden again.”.

“I repeat . . . what is sex?”. God inquired firmly.

No one replied. The angels just sat about the table looking very uncomfortable. Finally, God’s stare settled on the Chief Engineering Angel.

“The males refused to do anything with the females.”. The Chief Engineering Angel said, defensively. “The females were so much smarter than the males, they didn’t need them at all!”.

God sucked in a really deep breath. “For the last time angel . . . what is sex!?“.

The Chief Engineering Angel explained Sex to God. At first, God twisted his face in disbelief. The Chief Engineering Angel then pointed to the bushes next to the table, where a male and female human were going at it like two runaway locomotives.

“Holy crap!”. God said.

“How much did that function cost?”. He asked.

“Well, we had to restructure the females first. We had to reduce their intelligence, otherwise they still wouldn’t have anything to do with the males. Then we had to invent lust, desire, physical attractiveness and hooters.”.

“What!?”.

“Hooters.”. The Chief Engineering Angel explained. “The males demanded them because it would be several thousand years before football would be invented, and they said they needed something to distract them until then.

God shook his head back and forth. “All I asked you to do was to create containers so that these souls could occupy them on the Planet Earth.”.

“Yes sir.”.

“And this is what you come up with?”.

“Yes sir. And all of it is clearly documented in the notes there, with receipts and detailed explanations for every function and item created.”.

“What the hell is this!”. God demanded, holding up the last page with the description of attorneys.

“You created Attorneys??? Attorneys?”. He shouted and sprayed them all.

“Why the hell did you do that!”. He continued. “You’ve skunked up the entire planet now!”.

“I can explain that Sir.”. Squeaked the Chief Engineering Angel.

“Do so!”. God commanded.

“Vern over there …”, pointing to the nerdy angel, “he ordered too many assholes.”.

God threw the report down onto the table and sat back in His chair. Vern crawled under the table.

“So . . .”, continued the Chief Engineering Angel, “We tried to return them, but there was a restocking fee, and a pretty hefty one for assholes . . . so, instead of returning them, we just invented attorneys. No one will notice that they are really just huge assholes with shoes.”.

God stared at them for a generation or two. Then He rose from the table slowly, stared at them some more, and then shouted, “Get out! All of you! And take those f’ing humans and those assholes with you! Out of my garden!”.

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